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My greatest New Year’s Eve had been 15 yrs ago. The mis-calibrated dosage of doctor prescribed painkillers inside a bed plus breakfast close to Wootton Courtenay meant We slept along with the entire thing. I actually slept along with the fearfulness. I rested with the particular dread. I actually slept along with the recriminations and misgivings. And feel slept via Jools Netherlands insisting upon playing improper boogie-woogie cello with – who can it end up being this time of year? – Philip Brötzmann, Napalm Death, Youssou N’Dour, Indicate and Roxanne from LadBaby, or the particular future joyful ghost associated with their very own grinning personal.

This Brand new Year’s Event I put on the back within the backyard, long right after midnight, tummy filled along with Butty Bach™ ® ale and small Quorn™ ® sausages, plus looked in the superstars. Do these people have polls on individuals distant realms, I pondered? Is right now there an peculiar Dominic Cummings, and whenever so, just how would a person know? Will the unfamiliar Sir Iain Duncan Jones eat their own nasal mucus in open public like the Earth Friend Iain, or even does he or she just consume crisps? Upon Alien Friend Iain’s entire world is crisp-eating considered dreadful, while finger-picked mucus is usually the food of the particular Princesses associated with Mars? Plus is which the space Jennifer Arcuri dance round the particular Pole Superstar? Remember the girl? Thought not really.

Sniffing the particular air, We suddenly noticed I got accidentally placed me within fox excrement. Used to do not really understand exactly what I need to do. Defeat the sibel responsible in order to death along with a Remain-voting baseball baseball bat, while cross-dressed in the kimono, such as a ill metropolitan elitist? Or use red plus white finery and harry it along with hounds, prior to tearing the body in order to shreds plus smearing the blood on a close by child’s sobbing face, simply like the rural Tory voter simply upholding an old tradition vulnerable by politics correctness eliminated mad? (Delete as suitable to fit your interpersonal and politics prejudices. )

Then We regained the composure, plus simply lay down there inside the moist dark, the particular year however young about me, milling my mind in to the sibel faeces, mashing it extravagantly into the precious outstanding hairs. Boris Piccaninny Melon Letterbox Dessert Bumboys Vampires Haircut Wall-Spaffer Spunk-Burster Fuck-Business Fuck-the-Families Get-Off-My-Fucking-Laptop Girly-Swot Big-Girl’s-Blouse Chicken-frit Hulk-Smash Noseringed-Crusties Death-Humbug Technology-Lessons Surrender-Bullshit French-Turds Dog-Whistle Get-Stuffed [email protected] Get-Brexit-Done Manley is leading minister. Plus I may be laying within the particular garden along with fox excrement in our hair, yet I’m searching up in the stars.

Evidently, the marketing communications satellites that will now block the air mean astronomers and astrophysicists will shortly have their particular view associated with space fatally obscured. Yet we want individuals communication satellites. Otherwise exactly how would all of us know, with regard to instance, very the amount of individuals were embarrassed by the particular presence associated with two dark children within the brand new Worzel Gummidge, and simply by association the particular size associated with the Venn diagram overlap between followers of miracle talking scarecrows and Whitened Supremacists?

“It’s unrealistic in order to say dark people live in the particular countryside, actually if these are orphans with been delivered there. The particular countryside will be where miracle talking scarecrows live. Not really fantasy dark people, ” they crow. The on-line debate regarding the Excellent Replacement Concept in actions at Scatterbrook Farm echoes out straight into the spaceways for actually, a cosmic memorial in order to mankind’s noblest sentiments.


We squint up-wards. Something locations over the skies. Could this be Turds, spaffing upward the wall structure of the particular heavens, simply because he or she is capable to? Is usually there anybody out presently there in any way? Most probably those far-distant alien thoughts, immeasurably excellent to our bait, are heading to possess their statement of all of us permanently hanging too, except if they can see via the satellite television screen. Amongst their last views associated with our globe will possess been Turds hiding within a refrigerator, public nosepicker Sir Iain Duncan Jones celebrating their knighthood using a fingerful associated with fresh eco-friendly, and all of the life upon Earth too much water and choking and burning up to demise in actual time almost everywhere, flapping as an expiring seafood, stranded upon the seaside.

Sadly, the particular curious aliens will not understand how our own story finishes, though they can have the reasonable speculate that this won’t finish well. I actually close our own eye in the particular new yr night plus inhale the particular heady musk, a sibel faeces experienced. Within the particular crystal golf ball of our mind, Aussie boat individuals flounder inside the funnel in cork-decorated hats, plus sunburnt cockneys scrabble from the lately fortified Scottish border the particular past associated with the Highland Spring. Turds is within a fantasy home within New Zealand, making humor in Latina when he or she heads in the direction of the refuge using a younger researcher upon one adjustable rate mortgage and the nervous recovery dog upon the some other. “Veni, vidi, vici! ”

But that is to fault for the particular aliens’ look at of Planet being obstructed? It is usually, simply, the man known as Elon Musk, who is certainly a billionaire genius philanthropist but not the brand associated with aftershave along with aphrodisiac plus organ-elongation attributes. Elon Musk is continually bundled along with Dad’s Xmas list, together with novelty clothes, a Liam Neeson DVD MOVIE and the Liam cd. Mother had been exhausted upon Boxing Day time. Father have got been on the Elon Musk once again.

The billionaire genius philanthropist Elon Musk, of SpaceX, is such as a trash DC Comics copy associated with the billionaire genius philanthropist Tony Kampfstark, of Kampfstark Industries, through Marvel Comics’ Iron Guy. “What are these claims Musk character’s company known as? ” requires the publisher, to the desk-chained cartoonist, that provides already agreed upon away most of his legal rights. “SpaceX, ” he responses. “Will that will? ”

Musk’s SpaceX business is regarding to capture 40, 500 satellites skyward, enhancing high speed, but obstructing astronomers’ see from the particular universe, plus dotting specifically the exact same heavens our own ancestors marvelled at along with tens associated with thousands associated with artificial factors. It’s Brand new Year’s Day time. The atmosphere is fast. When we struggle in order to stand I actually realise I actually am right now the bodyweight of the particular middle-aged guy who all of a sudden dies in the wheel associated with the Kia Focus in the local newspapers report. And so i make the resolution. Plus one simply by one the particular stars every go out there.

Extra Greater london dates associated with Stewart Lee’s latest reside show, Snowflake/Tornado, just introduced on the Southern Bank Center in 06 and This summer, plus it trips nationally through January. stewartlee. co. uk/live-dates


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